During a recent lesson we learned a number of new practical techniques (admittedly I had struggled the entire two hours - but it goes like that sometimes) and were given the opportunity to showcase them in a Jiyu Waza (freestyle) display. I was reluctant to participate, my slight injury and lack of confidence dogging me, hinged to a bulwark of fear.

When Sensei asked for volunteers I kept my hand down, although my heart was screaming at me to have a go. Watching my fellow pupils perform, many with less experience than me, I felt low.

My spirit was at its lowest ebb and I had demonstrated it to myself in quite crushing fashion.

So aggrieved was I after the lesson, that I spoke to Sensei about why I had not volunteered. I think I was expecting a little indulgence, perhaps a 'I understand' speech, but no such placatory nonsense was to be found and shame on me for expecting it.

Instead Andy put the ball back in my court, suggesting I ask myself why I hadn't volunteered. I think searching within yourself for answers and for courage is one of the reasons I had bonded with Aikido so well.

To be coddled, so I'd feel better about myself, would be a disservice to me and to my Sensei.

Looking within, retrospect enabling clarity and some hard truth, I realised that it was fear that had paralysed me to the mat. "That's something you need to work on," Andy said.

He was right. I resolved it would never happen again. I would have to banish these demons with spirit, I realised.

Lesson learned.

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